20 May 2014
Messed Up Chances
My first adventures towards dating was over the Internet, through this amazing website named Tumblr. To give all of you who don't use Tumblr an idea of how it works, it's a website where you can "reblog" any post, be it a picture or a text post, and put it on your own blog. It's a social media website because you can send other users questions, where it's anonymous or not. Although not a dating website, if two people talk to each other, there is always a chance that these two might date.
I met several girls through this website. Well, over the computer of course. Although I was "out" to all of my friends, I still wasn't ready to actually go out on a date. But talking to people online kind of helped with through the process.
I remember chatting to this girl named Leah. She seemed interesting. She liked doing the same things that I liked, and sometimes we talked for hours. After a while, she asked if I wanted to talk over the phone, and I said yes without thinking.
I found that, like me, she was pretty awkward over the phone. She was really quiet, which I liked. We talked about our liking for the show Once Upon a Time, and our love for books like Harry Potter. As a sort of phone date, it was pretty nice.
After a while of silence, she then asked me if I wanted to meet face to face. In my gut, I expected this, but it still seemed random. I replied with a moment of tense silence. She then asked me if I was still there, and I could hear the awkwardness in her voice. I told her that I would consider it.
I then told her goodnight. I was tired, and I wasn't sure about what my answer would be.
The next morning, I called her and left a voice message, saying yes. She replied minutes later, saying that we could meet at the Starbucks down the street.
I spent the next few hours stressing out about the date. There were several scenarios that was going through my mind. I knew what she looked like, and honestly, I wasn't attracted to her. What if she was hurt by my behavior? What if someone from Starbucks recognized me when I'm with her?
I tried calming down, but I couldn't. So I decided to watch a new episode of Doctor Who.
Twenty minutes before 5:30, our appointed time, I made the final decision. I wasn't going to go. There were too many uncertainties. I tried taking a nap, but I kept tossing around.
My phone rang, time and again. I couldn't bring myself to respond. I already knew what she would say, "Where are you? Why did you stand me up?" I hated myself for what I did.
And there was this small nagging doubt in my mind saying that I would never find someone I found attractive. I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life with no one to love me.