20 May 2014

Messed Up Chances


My first adventures towards dating was over the Internet, through this amazing website named Tumblr. To give all of you who don't use Tumblr an idea of how it works, it's a website where you can "reblog" any post, be it a picture or a text post, and put it on your own blog. It's a social media website because you can send other users questions, where it's anonymous or not. Although not a dating website, if two people talk to each other, there is always a chance that these two might date. 

I met several girls through this website. Well, over the computer of course. Although I was "out" to all of my friends, I still wasn't ready to actually go out on a date. But talking to people online kind of helped with through the process.

I remember chatting to this girl named Leah. She seemed interesting. She liked doing the same things that I liked, and sometimes we talked for hours. After a while, she asked if I wanted to talk over the phone, and I said yes without thinking.

I found that, like me, she was pretty awkward over the phone. She was really quiet, which I liked. We talked about our liking for the show Once Upon a Time, and our love for books like Harry Potter. As a sort of phone date, it was pretty nice.

After a while of silence, she then asked me if I wanted to meet face to face. In my gut, I expected this, but it still seemed random. I replied with a moment of tense silence. She then asked me if I was still there, and I could hear the awkwardness in her voice. I told her that I would consider it.

I then told her goodnight. I was tired, and I wasn't sure about what my answer would be.

The next morning, I called her and left a voice message, saying yes. She replied minutes later, saying that we could meet at the Starbucks down the street.

I spent the next few hours stressing out about the date. There were several scenarios that was going through my mind. I knew what she looked like, and honestly, I wasn't attracted to her. What if she was hurt by my behavior? What if someone from Starbucks recognized me when I'm with her?

I tried calming down, but I couldn't. So I decided to watch a new episode of Doctor Who.

Twenty minutes before 5:30, our appointed time, I made the final decision. I wasn't going to go. There were too many uncertainties. I tried taking a nap, but I kept tossing around.

My phone rang, time and again. I couldn't bring myself to respond. I already knew what she would say, "Where are you? Why did you stand me up?" I hated myself for what I did.


And there was this small nagging doubt in my mind saying that I would never find someone I found attractive. I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life with no one to love me.

36 comments:

  1. You'll never find someone you think attractive? Most people worry that others won't find them attractive. You should call that young lady and apologize. You don't have to set up another date, but you need to say you're sorry. She's probably very hurt.

    Love,
    Janie

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  2. you never know til you take the chance right? its all in the risk...and being willing to face it...what is the worst that can happen you know...well you could meet a nutjob but...smiles..

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  3. I'd give her a chance. It's just a date--doesn't mean you're getting married. And just because you aren't initially attracted through the computer doesn't mean it can't happen once you get to know the person. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work... but you may have given up a chance to meet a terrific person who may have become a friend.

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  4. I did online dating in my late 30s--it's how I met my husband. The great thing about online dating is that you can see what the person looks like before going. Still, it's different when they're live, rather than in a picture! It's a great tool... YOLO, as the kids today say. You Only Live Once. Get out there and meet some people. Coffee is actually a great idea, because you can end it after your cup is empty if it isn't working for you. At the very least, it'll give you some good stories for your blog.

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  5. Have to jump in with both feet some times and see where you land

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  6. I hope things work out for you. Best wishes.

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  7. Hello Gina. There are plenty of people who've met online. I couldn't help thinking about that poor girl you stood up. Maybe her self esteem took a real tumble too! You've got to try! Don't be so hard on yourself.

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  8. I think if you find someone, every experience will help you to learn!

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  9. Oh Gina... I can totally relate to you on this one. When I first started dating online (I chose to throw myself into match.com) I was clueless.
    I remember talking to men and making one of my best friends come with me on dates, ha! I didn't trust a lot of them and to give me credit for my inclinations, one of them was even married!! Can you believe it?
    I realized that I needed to give myself more time before meeting these people. I needed to spend some time alone and rediscover who I was deep down inside and then maybe, I would be ready to share my sacred gifts with another.
    Once I learned the ropes a bit better, I met someone who I spent months talking to before I decided to meet him. And even when we met, it wasn't love at first site or anything. In fact, it took another seven months before I decided to actually date him and we've been together for three years now.
    I think once we stop thinking so much about it and taking things too seriously, we end up meeting the right person. After navigating around the dating site and after being a lot more comfortable with who I was.. inside and out, then I knew I was ready to casually talk and meet with people. We must love and know who we are first before we can share that with another person. This way, we don't give our love to the wrong people... something I did time and time and time again before I met my current companion.
    Good luck, Gina! If you ever want to talk or even share stories, I'm just a blog or email away=)

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  10. Dating is just awkward. Period.

    Even if you don't go out with this person, I would call her and apologize for just not showing up. Think about how you would feel if that happened to you.... You can tell her that you became too anxious over the meet and totally freaked and that you are sorry. I am not sure that she would even be willing to meet you again (if you think that is now what you want), but if it is, I would ask her. That is, if she accepts your apology.

    Dating is this strange thing of hits and misses. We all need to lighten up and accept that there will be misses. (Sometimes, we don't feel it. Sometimes the other person doesn't feel it. And it is OKAY.) But if we never take a chance, there will never be a hit. And you might make a friend if neither one of you wants to date but you genuinely like each other.

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  11. Dating is always a risk, but if we don't risk we never learn or grow. Brave of you to share your experience here. Good luck in the future.

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  12. I understand why you made that decision, but like Robin, I'd call and tell her straight out what your reason was. It's the right thing to do for you and her. That's my HO.

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  13. I would be so nervous meeting and dating someone through the internet, but I haven't crossed it off completely from my list of future options. There will come a time when I very well may give it a go. I hope you consider meeting her. You never know. :)

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  14. I had no idea you could find dates on TUMBLER. I'm married but it's still a mind blowing option. Dating is always tough but the anonymity of dating online leads to a whole new set of challenges.

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  15. My wifes best friend met her husband on the internet. They went to the same university, so it wasn't as hard to meet with a group of friends on a date then go to a one on one.

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  16. You have to risk something. So maybe you just end up being friends. Keep trying.

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  17. I had no idea Tumblr could be used for that. I agree with what other people are saying. You have to take a risk. You never know what might happen. I met my husband on the internet. I wasn't looking for anyone at the time, but we clicked. That was back in the days when meeting someone from online was really creepy!

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  18. Sometimes you just have to take that risk. If it's a disaster, you shake hands and say goodbye.

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  19. I didn't know that about Tumblr. Heh.

    I understand the nervousness about the date and why you didn't go. I went out on a couple dates from people I met on the Internet. The dates were awkward, but generally went okay. One never asked me out again, and the other I went out with a few more times before saying we should just be friends. I haven't wanted to go out on a date since, and that was back in 2007.

    That said, there is more to dating than physical attraction. Some of the best relationships are those who are attracted to who the person is on the inside. And it's good to remember a date doesn't equal a lifetime of commitment. :)

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  20. My sis-in-law faces similar dating problems. She's not attracted to the guys who ask her out, and the guys she encounter that she is physically attracted to are usually married.

    It's good you went with your gut, but, like the other comments, I think it'd be nice if you called her back and apologized for standing her up.

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  21. What everyone else has said. You do owe her a call and an explanation. And an apology would be nice. She was likely as nervous as you.

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  22. I really think things work out the way they are supposed to. Learn from this and carry on. There most certainly is someone out there just for you!

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  23. It's hard to meet someone when one has all this angst. Even though I met the weirdest people which is quite entertaining in retrospect, it gave me a huge uplift. They actually found me attractive and wanted to go out with me. Don't let fear get the better of you and don't have huge expectations-go with the flow. This one didn't work out for one reason or another so now time to move on and enjoy what else may be out there. If you still click with her-great and if not, still good. Enjoy the moment

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  24. Oh, Gina, I offer you lots of virtual hugs. We all have insecurities, and they explode in magnitude when it comes to dating. I'm trying not to give advice, but I like Robin's. I've been stood up/rejected. It hurts. I think you'd grow as a person to apologize and just explain that you got scared sh*tless and realized you weren't ready to date (or something like that).

    I do understand, though, about not being attracted. People will tell you that it's what's inside that counts. True, but there needs to be a mutual attraction to ignite a romance. And I've noticed that the people who tell me these things are gorgeous with gorgeous partners, so it's easy for them to say. Smiles. Now that I think about it, I have cancelled dates and lied (e.g., saying I'm sick) because I wasn't attracted and/or had an awkward phone conversation. Then I agreed to the date. Then I chickened out...Hon, I get it.

    Don't beat yourself up any more. You only human and nobody has this relationship thing perfected - even though lots of people and couples appear to.
    Be good to yourself.

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  25. Hi Gina - I suppose it could be dodgy meeting someone you've only met on-line yet plenty of people have and have also formed good relationships. I understand what you mean, though, if you don't fancy someone it's difficult to stop or finish something without hurting them.
    Best to be careful and know that there will be someone out there. Join a society or group with the same interests.

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  26. Oh, this was really sad! Don't beat yourself up over it. Meeting someone that you know only virtually can be scary, especially if you guys haven't talked a lot. You read my blog post about meeting one of my writing buddies for the first time - I was nervous too, but fairly comfortable at the same time because she and I had been talking for so long! Maybe next time try texting and emailing for a while longer before moving onto face-to-face. It's better if you know the person as well as you can. Don't lose hope <3

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  27. I'm sending cyber hugs too. It's a rough world out there. I hope given some time you reconsider and let her know what happened, that you were simply too scared to move. At least that way her ego's off the hook and she can regroup. And so can you. Everyone hates rejections. Some of us will do anything to avoid the pain, while others will pretend it doesn't matter. Me, I'd would have done the same thing, then hung out with close friends to mend.

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  28. I agree with everyone that it would be nice to call and apologize. It sounds like you enjoyed talking and emailing with her, so it might lead to a lasting friendship. Good luck, Gina!

    Julie

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  29. I have similar problem but I understand fear will always keep love away from me if I dont give myself the chance. Yes, it may be a total wreck, but it also can be what I am looking for. One friend told me, you already have the no granted, if you stay here in your cave, its a no, why dont you go for the yes? It's 50-50 chance. Looks like the odds are better if you try.

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  30. But you connected with someone - even if fleetingly! You connected. There's always hope! Stay positive!:-) Take care
    x

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  31. I'm sure she understood. It wasn't the right time for you and if you didn't feel it in your gut to meet her, so be it. That's perfectly okay. Maybe one day you'll be able to email or text her again. Thanks for sharing this part of your life with us.

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  32. Love can't be forced. When it's right, you'll feel it. But always remember, just meeting someone commits you to nothing...don't put too much pressure on yourself.

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  33. What Elizabeth said is perfect. Feelings will most definitely get hurt along the way in this dating biz, and that's unavoidable. She was probably hurt by you not showing up, so showing up and nicely explaining that you weren't interested in being more than friends wouldn't have hurt worse. And hey, there might've been someone you were attracted to sitting at the next table. You could've spilled your coffee on her, giggles would ensue & so on and so forth. ;)

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  34. Definitely stay positive. This just wasn't the right time and it's important to follow your gut. Although, Nicki is right, you never know when you'll meet the right person. She's out there. =)

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  35. Other people here have given you better advice than I could. I do hope you call this girl and apologize, and please realize that she was as nervous and frightened as you were. And clearly you're underestimating yourself and your appeal. Please start taking more chance to go out and shine.

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  36. I can understand your fear but you should have at least called her and let her know you weren't going to make it. You would expect the same consideration if the shoe was on the other foot. The young lady took a chance on you. She sounded from your description as afraid as you. At least give her a chance to be a new friend if it's not too late

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