It was a couple months ago, when I was still fresh off of graduating from high school. I met this one girl at this center at college.
(Back story: I was taking a summer class at UCLA for the summer. It was horrible if you have to know. Math does some crazy things to people.)
I think it’s inaccurate to say that I met her at this student center. It happened when I was trying to get out of math class as fast as I could to lunch. As I turned, my elbow knocked against her shoulder. I muttered a sorry as I rushed out. Although the encounter lasted only for about 5 seconds, I never forgot her face. Call it guilt for not apologizing more, but fact is her appearance struck me as extremely cute.
It turned out that every day for the rest of the class, I looked forward to meeting her again so I could apologize. That chance never came, until I started hanging out at a student center and it turned out that she worked there.
We talked for some time after that. It turned out that she already had a girlfriend, and they’ve been dating for some time now. The thing was this: I had already started to like her. It was a time of extreme worry and doubt for my moral standards.
This came at a time when I was taking my second math class for the summer. This class caused me a lot of stress and worry. Couple this with the stress of sorting out my feelings for her caused me to lose weight and insomnia.
Just to be clear, my moral standards tell me to not get in the way of another person’s relationship. It’s not my place to do that. I don’t care how much I might like someone, I would never try to make one person try to cheat on another person. Call it high and mighty standards, whatever. But I would never do that. Like ever.
But in the back of my mind, it was always: I am better for you. I would love you more. We would be perfect together. You are like, the prettiest person in this place. I never said any of this out loud. I did not dare.
One night, I was lying on my bed with my phone in my hand. Her number was on the screen, and my finger was ready to hit the green button to call her and tell her what my feelings were. I was ready to confess that I liked her.
After what seemed like hours of deliberation, I decided against it. I locked my phone and threw it across the room. I never felt so dirty in my life. It felt as if I broke my moral code in the worst way by having such thoughts.
I realized that I forgot something. I liked her, but she didn't like me. I couldn't do anything without breaking my set of rules. It was the first time I've ever felt this way about anyone. She was special to me, but I was pretty much nothing to her.
I closed my eyes and hoped that everything will be better in time. Maybe my feelings would disappear, and life will be better.