04 February 2014

The Other One


It was a couple months ago, when I was still fresh off of graduating from high school. I met this one girl at this center at college.

(Back story: I was taking a summer class at UCLA for the summer. It was horrible if you have to know. Math does some crazy things to people.)

I think it’s inaccurate to say that I met her at this student center. It happened when I was trying to get out of math class as fast as I could to lunch. As I turned, my elbow knocked against her shoulder. I muttered a sorry as I rushed out. Although the encounter lasted only for about 5 seconds, I never forgot her face. Call it guilt for not apologizing more, but fact is her appearance struck me as extremely cute.

It turned out that every day for the rest of the class, I looked forward to meeting her again so I could apologize. That chance never came, until I started hanging out at a student center and it turned out that she worked there.

We talked for some time after that. It turned out that she already had a girlfriend, and they’ve been dating for some time now. The thing was this: I had already started to like her. It was a time of extreme worry and doubt for my moral standards.

This came at a time when I was taking my second math class for the summer. This class caused me a lot of stress and worry. Couple this with the stress of sorting out my feelings for her caused me to lose weight and insomnia.

Just to be clear, my moral standards tell me to not get in the way of another person’s relationship. It’s not my place to do that. I don’t care how much I might like someone, I would never try to make one person try to cheat on another person. Call it high and mighty standards, whatever. But I would never do that. Like ever.

But in the back of my mind, it was always: I am better for you. I would love you more. We would be perfect together. You are like, the prettiest person in this place. I never said any of this out loud. I did not dare.

One night, I was lying on my bed with my phone in my hand. Her number was on the screen, and my finger was ready to hit the green button to call her and tell her what my feelings were. I was ready to confess that I liked her.

After what seemed like hours of deliberation, I decided against it. I locked my phone and threw it across the room. I never felt so dirty in my life. It felt as if I broke my moral code in the worst way by having such thoughts.

I realized that I forgot something. I liked her, but she didn't like me. I couldn't do anything without breaking my set of rules. It was the first time I've ever felt this way about anyone. She was special to me, but I was pretty much nothing to her.


I closed my eyes and hoped that everything will be better in time. Maybe my feelings would disappear, and life will be better.

45 comments:

  1. And maybe she'll break up with the other person, realize you're awesome, and things will sort themselves out from there. You never know. :))

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  2. Me encantan las fotografías, son geniales. Ha estado un regalo el visitar tu bloc, te invito visitar el mio y si te gusta espero que te hagas seguidora.
    Elracodeldetall.blogspot.com

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  3. The one that got away! I admire how you are able to easily call up painful feelings from your past. That's an important ability for a writer and probably makes you an empathetic person. It's also a downside to having a moral code. Morals aren't always easy!

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  4. I love your strength of character, it's admirable.

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  5. Good for you for staying true to your personal moral code. And it's not that she probably didn't like you, too, but she was in a relationship. She might have been tempted, but had her own code that she couldn't break. I bet you met someone even better soon after that encounter. You passed the test.

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  6. Oh, Gina, your post moved me deeply. You did good.

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  7. Hi Gina .. you stayed true and that's important and you won't be haunted later on because you won't have taken inappropriate action. Kim points out an excellent idea - that your writing is really powerful and that will hold you in very good stead.

    All the best - Hilary

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  8. Oh no, I'm so sorry. What an awful feeling. You absolutely did the right thing, but it doesn't feel great, does it? The best I can offer is to put it into a book. It's so powerful.

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  9. Moments of weakness, eh? We all have to pass through them. Way to stick to your guns.

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  10. Dear Gina,

    Your post was so touching! The troubling emotions that a young adult has to feel! From the horror to panic to anxiety! I never understood this moment in life!

    Also I was super duper captivated by the quote about math. Makes me laugh at those who super from its classes :)

    from CC :)

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  11. What a moving post. I'm proud you stuck to your morals. I've been in the same situation and I was silent about it.

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  12. It is always good to stick to your values. Eventually you will find the right person...and maybe she will be the one. Maybe not. Keep your heart open.

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  13. who knows how things will go, but stick to your way

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  14. Its good that you stuck to your values. Don't let this affect your health.

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  15. It's very hard to walk away from someone with whom you feel such a strong connection. That being said, our instincts are so powerful that it's almost always a good thing to listen to them.

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  16. There's nothing wrong with having thoughts and urges towards someone who, for whatever reasons, isn't right for you. It's human, Gina. Don't beat yourself up for feeling inclined to act on human impulse, but stopping yourself. I have felt so inclined, and haven't stopped myself. But there's nothing wrong with that either. Ease up on Gina, I say. =)

    xoRobyn

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  17. I agree with the others. It's a good thing to stick to your values.

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  18. It really hurts to fall for someone who's already taken. We've all been there, and it hurts, but other loves will come your way. Good for you for sticking to your morals.

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  19. I can feel your angst here. It's so hard to like someone and not have them like you back. Maybe she was attracted to you but wouldn't jeopardize her relationship. Sometimes it's the right person, wrong time. I'm glad you held your moral ground.

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  20. Gina, your honesty is refreshing. I read so many other blogs and people don't express their emotions as clearly as you do. Most of us go through that exact same moment at some point in our lives. Your handling of the situation shows that you are a person of character. Some people would have done the opposite. But don't beat yourself for having feelings, they are just feelings. Best wishes!

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  21. Quite poignant and an experience we can all relate to. My bet is everyone has had a similar "coming of age" time when we come to recognize we're not always going to have things our way.

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  22. Good for you for sticking with your values! I've learned that the universe always unfolds as it should. If she's the right person at the wrong time, then maybe someday there will be a right time. If not, someone else will come along.

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  23. You should never feel dirty for being tempted. Life is full of temptations, and no one is immune to them. What matters is how you respond to that temptation. In the end, you were true to yourself and your moral standards. Good for you!

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  24. That was from the heart. Thanks for so bravely sharing. You told your story well, and who knows what will happen in the future. Having morals will lead you far in life, even if it kills you to stick to them at the time...
    I don't see your A-Z badge...are you joining us?
    Tina @ Life is Good
    A to Z Team @ Blogging From A to Z April Challenge 2014
    @TinaLifeisGood, #atozchallenge

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  25. It's refreshing to hear people still have moral standards and stick by them even though it's hard. Well done you. Good things are waiting for you !

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  26. The good news is you don't really know what her feelings are. If she likes you enough to hang out with you at the student center and share things with you, then she obviously has warm feelings for you. So keep the friendship going, keep your feelings to yourself, but make the friendship stronger by doing nice things for her. The relationship with the other person may not last and you'll be in a good position to step into the breach. Good luck! :)

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  27. Why can't you be friends? In any relationship your partner should be your best friend. I have been with my hubby since I was fifteen and he was seventeen. This year we will have known each other for thirty five years. Even though we are married he is and was always, my best friend.

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  28. I am so glad you didn't call her. You're right, we shouldn't involve ourselves with someone when they are in a relationship. You did good.

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  29. I could feel your pain in this post. Very well written, and I'm sorry about the situation. I hope things work out for you, and you can at least be friends with her. Sending hugs!!

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  30. Sometimes we meet someone at the wrong time, but it doesn't mean the right time won't come. I think it was good that you didn't call her because you would have been disappointed in yourself. Being friends with someone is okay and it might be rewarding in a different way. I am sorry that you are in so much pain right now but I hope that good things will come your way. :)
    ~Jess

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  31. Although it wasn't easy, it's great that you carefully thought this through. Too many people rush into things, and end up with regrets. You should be proud of yourself for being so thoughtful. Continue to be patient, and the right girl will come along when you least expect it.

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  32. You're not "nothing" -- and if you are in anybody's eyes, then they're not worth your time.

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  33. Those pesky moral standards. Nicely done.

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  34. Kudos. That's not an easy thing to do.

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  35. That is a beautiful image - the right time will come for you, it does for so many. Just keep being as open and as thoughtful.

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  36. That's tough, but you stuck to your guns and that's so commendable. And most likely they won't be going out forever...there are always new opportunities.

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  37. This was strong of you to do, especially when your like for her was so intense. Sometimes people don't cross paths at the right time. The right person at the right time will happen, though.

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  38. How do you know that you meant nothing to her? Maybe she was equally afraid to break moral standards.

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  39. Don't be too hard on yourself. Relationships come and go frequently during college years. I'd do my best to establish a friendship with her, then keep it at that. Chances are, the friendship will mean just as much to you, and maybe she'll see you in a different light someday. My hubby was in love with someone else when we met. But he ended up marrying me. He just didn't know I was the one at the time. :)

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  40. Don't think so bad of yourself. Take the life as it comes. Don't get into too much of thinking. Some may have the nature that if you go at the back of them they will sit as if they don't know you. If you doesn't think of them they will come and talk with you. So don't feel. Carry on with your work.

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  41. Reminds me of the first girl I had serious feelings for. At least she let you know right away, mine didn't.

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  42. I believe we have all been there at one time or another and the pain is very real but so are your own standards. It is tough at times(understatement) but ones own convictions are often the only things we can lean on. Whether you stay friends with her or not or if it turns into something more, or not, you will never forget her. You will look back, on occasion and know there was a reason in meeting her. There might be what if's but, in the end, you will feel enriched for knowing her.

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  43. Regret - or the feeling of "what might have been" - are the most bittersweet and haunting of emotions.

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  44. That's a tough situation and one I certainly understand. You wonder what the other person has that you don't. Sometimes it's as simple as timing.

    Good for you for sticking to your morals.

    Sam
    Writing Through College

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